Where I fell on the birthday...

Traditions and reoccurring themes can be born out of curious and unideal ways.  

As an example of this, the year I met Caleb, I was going through a bit of a financial transition.  With that being said, going into the holiday season that year was something I was feeling a little stress about- just the financial logistics of not knowing fully what my next economic step was going to be.  With his birthday a week before the Christmas holiday, I did not want him to feel neglected from my personal financial concerns.  I knew I was going to be creative in celebration. 

As a little more background, and to paint the picture...a month prior, during Thanksgiving, Caleb went to spend the holiday with his family out of state.  During this time, I was in a reflection period for the bigger things in my life.  The focus during this time was processing the intense depth of feelings for Caleb, of what caliber they were, and when/where/how to express.  (limiting my emotional self is a running theme, due to projecting an anticipated hypothetical response...)  I knew I was head-over-heels in love...but what/how to sit with the right time to express it brewed internally.

Where I fell on the birthday:

Caleb loves a dirty martini ...the dirtier the better.  I like symbolism in gift-giving at times.  Sooo I got a small basket and put together a variety of olives.  Blue cheese, pimento, garlic-stuffed, kalamata, etc.  The concept of mouthing ‘olive juice’ blended with ‘I love you’.  Turns out I got super emotionally-sharey in that first birthday of his together...which translated in sharing how I felt I didn’t have the right thing for the day as a gift, but I DID love him, and I didn’t need him to love me back in the same way, but I wanted it to be known.  

Birthdays forward from then have always been rather low key- some variations...but always a night with olives in some sense...which later would wind up in a birthday martini...and birthday kisses.

I wonder why I have gotten away from comfortably being received emotionally.  What tilted the scale over time to be afraid to be consistently ‘sharey’ with my emotional self???  Why???  It runs interference to where I want to be directly going.  It’s honestly...well...it’s a bullshit quality I am constantly battling. In the last few months in family therapy, one of the targets has focused on keeping myself in the present is always a lot easier and more fluid when I link it to love, partnership, and intention of intimacy-oriented moments...how to translate that to myself for more sustainable factors... which support ongoing and increased regularity of self-intimacy and loving family moments.  The right framework to communicate for me; essentially loving yourself more will bring more nuclear family love and peace...and to allow the patience in practice.

As a nod to an array of past birthdays...this year brought: 1. The dependable olive offering 2. Chocolate cupcakes with peanut butter center and cream frosting (a story share for another time. 3. A crank music box with a nostalgic song that plays- a throwback to a birthday of Caleb’s that I

planned at a wooden clock museum, which also had crank pipe organs...it was a lovely day 4. A punny home-made card, which I prefer

This is my current earworm for the day:

#reflection #gratitude #love #tradition #family #fullheart #happyhusbandhappyhome #yourjourneyisthedestination #buildalifenotaresume #dothework #doitwell #olivejuice #earworm