This was a challenging week for family therapy...but unlike some past sessions, I am noticing a pattern of actual hard talks equating to beneficial and sustainable change. As I have droned on before, holding the space for a partner when you are struggling yourself is hard work. Honestly, I think this is the hardest test I have been put through in life...to do the work for myself while not second-guessing the word of my partner and leaning in on the faith of love and trust. It’s an uncomfortable process to walk through the discomfort, with just the promise of easier times ahead.
Today I noticed the pattern though...I noticed how there are habits in how we communicate through differences and conflicts that DO have the ability to be changed for the better. After not addressing these conflicts and stresses sooner, and reinforcing the negative self-talk of ‘it will never change and get better’...I can look back to see how restrictive and limiting that self-talk was to us. I think we also both felt the pressure and cynicism towards certain unpleasant communication dynamics always being constant and present.
Positive notes for the work in our family structure aside, there was a lot of talk this week about how to identify toxic patterns, but seeing how they are different than being a construct to an overall toxic relationship.
What this week held, for me, was how I need to not immediately back away from conflict by tools of avoidance or tackle it by accepting full responsibility. I need to focus on how to take my fair share, nothing more, and also validates when I am not owning what I perhaps immediately see as my share. When I just accept fault for everything in hopes it will just be put in the past ASAP, it doesn’t stay there...it lingers, festers, and boils. (For some reason I wanted to write ‘double, double boil and trouble’ just now...lol, you’re welcome for the random side thought.)
So we talked about how intentions and patterns interplay with one another, and there is no permanency in these two- we have the control and power to flesh them out into new interplays. For some reason, the championing of this idea realistically was validating despite knowing this information already. We had a brief example of how to address conflict when there are issues around trauma actually influencing the conversation...and how to not compartmentalize away from each other, but how to share it safely since the compartmentalizing has been more damaging in the long run. (This referenced a theme from individual therapy of how trauma reactions and resources are largely for acute management, and unless addressed are harmful in the long run, even if they are meant to be helpful to current anxieties...but that is for some other time to get into .)
We then cited examples of how patterns can change, and how embracing pure intentions primarily are stronger movers. He cited my fear that Caleb being in school for years to become an LCSW is a nonstarter unless I let it be...in context to feeling like a subordinate to him. In my control is the power to stand up for myself and not just assume I am wrong and put my needs on hold or let them be unspoken because my perception and self-talk tell me they are insignificant to Caleb’s experience and training. We also talked about how that experience and training can be subconsciously discarded or reinforced outside of Caleb’s work... how there are ways to try and identify when there is an unequal approach to coming together...and then how to define a means to change it. Changing the pattern of Caleb modeling a therapist role in my life to a co-equal partner role, especially in two areas (conflict management and mental health symptoms) is something I don’t have to feel so helpless or suffocated by because it feels like I am denying a caring part of who he identifies as.
It was certainly a loaded session...but overall and I just want to reinforce, it was one that offered refection to positive patterns and change for our little family.
He left with tossing out a quote about something of ‘if you actually trust in love for opportunities, welcome them, but if all you see are fixated hurdles you’ve got little room to grow’.
My Current Earworm:
Random thoughts in pictures:
And this is part of a bigger them of staying focused and trusting Caleb's patience in love:
It popped up to me as I was scrolling social media as I was digesting the session of 'challenging the discomfort of renewing patterns'.
#reflection #love #lcsw #realtalk #patternchange #familytherapy #mentalhealthinmarriage #coupleship #yourjourneyisthedestination #buildalifenotaresume #dothework #runthequests #levelup
Current earworm: