Magenta Tears

I don’t know what to write about.  I am bored...last night was rough.  Heart/chest shit again, and I am regretting missing an appointment with a cardio specialist two months back.  My mother-in-law was to be available and a failsafe to support and I am concerned something is going on with her- she is largely unavailable recently.  Last night a phlebotomist came in ...he was sweating and shaking...and as someone with my own set of anxiety nerves, I just trusted his skillset.  I was mistaken in that predished-out trust.  I am here for at least another day.  The nurse called Caleb to check in and let me know he would take care of things at home, which was a huge relief from my plate...this journey to solve all my health issues for added peace at home is bumpy as hell...it feels like a landmine...and I am also stressed to get results back from every new test and procedure from years of having my social anxieties hold me back from connecting to health services.  I am tired...but I also feel like some light is coming to all of the mess and felt despair...just have to hold tight to what I have control of- love, commitment, and trust. I am lost in feelings of 'what if I am not enough', 'what if this process leads to nowhere', 'what if I come out as a fool for being vulnerable to an intangible love while the stubbornness to show I can pull my own weight to our needs in marriage'...what has yet to be defined ...allowing myself to let go and know I have always been there, to stop testing to see if my partner will be there...and just know this is a real phase in partnership work. I am rambling. But I want to remember this feeling, this mixture of gratitude for Caleb, fear of myself, truly being ready to let go of everything ugly I have been for mental health, and embrace the life we want...the one we outlined just four months ago. I am ready to live that and to end the bullshit. I am ready to be as healthy as possible. I am ready to love at a new level...because love just grows, it is not contained by a finite boundary. I have magenta tears right now.