Let me begin by saying how much I hated how much I loved this book in finding it beneficial. Both in challenging understanding, but also in reflection of the work I have been focused on with family therapy.
Part of this book is structured as a workbook...some more practical in use than others.  (Actually...I straight out did not care for the overuse of the word ‘triggered’- the only complaint.)
What I took away from it:
A bunch of shit.
1. I have been, especially in my relationship at home, pages 57-61 pretty much AS IDENTIFIED. (I mean...was Michelle Skeen a ‘Jane Goodall’ in my living room collecting information for this part of the book?!)
2. She outlines profiles of people who can set off behavioral fear reactions of fight, flight, or freeze as the ‘critic, depriver, abandoner, devastator, and abuser’. I already knew I had direct umbrage with loved ones just abandoning me, in a variety of contexts, but....perhaps my intersection with the ‘depriver’ persona with people around me rings a bit true as well.
3. She briefly touched on 1970s work of Meichenbaum regarding confirmatory bias (there is a bunch of extra stuff that is also not covered from Meichenbaum (look some of it up after this read!)). Briefly described, confirmatory bias is a way we wired ourselves to protect us from harm, but relating the experience to past negative outcomes, and preserve ourselves from the fallout of reoccurrence.  Yeah...I do this in maybe...’ extreme’ ways(?). Admittedly, instead of preserving myself I find I am boxing myself in, and not seeing the damage or the hurdles I am putting between myself and the ‘life-engagement’.Â
I start projects all the time, part of the time for couple-oriented things, I lean in and trust that Caleb will show up...but the self-damaging issue is the go-to thought of how past experiences (pre and current-Caleb) clout that faith it will be executed. For example, we allocate the goal to put up a roof over our entryway, and I demo and prep it, the day comes to get it done...and it’s raining...and rains the next time we plan for it...and then his schedule changes and he is working when he was to be off...or someone is having a game night that can’t be missed...and then...well...I cannot allow for another missed time of not getting it done...yet the roof getting installed still hangs out there as a chore to do. This does not bother Caleb as it does me, feeling like a never-ending burden on my life. This ‘bias’ that the ‘roof’ won’t get one translates to other areas of life as well. I fear some situations are me outside trying to ‘raise the roof’ and it’s ‘raining’ or he’s ‘working/not around’.
4. Luckily there is a follow up to 3.! There is a section about changing the ‘narrator’ of your story...and from prior bias-based behaviors, literally, embrace doing the opposite. Common sense type of stuff, right? lol.
It was actually nice to reflect on this particular section of the book. Why? Because I was able to recognize some change in that ‘opposite’ application. As I have written before about the challenges of ‘holding the space’, it was nice to see I have grown easier to trust that I AM CAPABLE of holding the space. For example, when Caleb and I cycle this annual discord period, it typically ends by me apologizing, conceding
to what needs are identified to amend the issue, and I just omit my own concerns and needs- largely putting myself on hold for another extended period prior to an exhaustive breakdown. It’s like...emotionally chasing him down to see where he is to be with, instead of meeting at a mutual point....hmmm...#badmetaphormightwordshopitlater. What I am doing now in family therapy is bringing my needs to the table, and allowing myself to say they are both equal AND important, comfort in backing them up with self-worth or belief they should be understood collectively, and room not just to us in a happier home but to me as a happier self. Changing the emotionally tiered sub servitude has been...both uncomfortable and reaffirming in how to just be better together on a constant variable instead of anticipating it to be one that is ...unknown to the equation each day.
So ‘yay, growth and understanding!’
5. I got a little laugh out of a section that was about ‘finding creativity through the hopelessness’...uhhh...I think I am in tune with that. I have always been an ‘artist’ in the application of ‘walking out into the dark only to come back with light’...recently years have just left me wandering out in the dark for more extended periods of time (and that is ok! There is no rush to heal!!!).
6. There is an exercise on page 63 that I also got a laugh about. It is a couple’s framing exercise...which I am familiar with through our work in family therapy. Â
This is a good book as either a jumping-off point into self and self-to-couple work or as a book of reinforcement when paired with in-person work of the same nature.
Sooo many ‘’’s in this post...and references to family therapy!
My current earworm:
#53books52weeks #lovemedontleaveme #reflection #levelup #dothework #difficultconversations #mentalhealthandmarriage #yourjourneyisthedestination #loveyourselftherestwillfollow