Recalculating...Recalculating...Recalculating

I know in my first official post of what I am looking to cover in a public journal space, I outlined a strong desire to have it be a place where I reinforce positive and more constructive processes in my mental health recovery...but I also aimed to be pretty open and honest. The last few days have been rough.  Mostly this comes from the setbacks of physically being sick, but there is just physical pain, mobility issues, and added exhaustion.  I have been patient in learning how to not expect myself to will-through mental health and admittedly I am not doing that with my physical health...which is creating anxiety...which is tiered fatigue that is merging together in a manner I am getting worried about.

Recently, we had an issue with our heating system, which was FINALLY fixed...a relief, right?!  No...it started at what seemed like a temporary issue, and in that temporary mindset, I started to let things slip a little bit.  Allowing the heating issue to become an excuse to not stand by the work to keep up with structure has become apparent.  Cleaning, picking up, getting back to mini-renovation tasks...it was all in such a multi-month stretch 

But this return to tasks comes at a time where I have this physical thing, so it seems as though I can’t blame a postponed honey-do list by saying,  ‘it’s too cold to do ___’...just ‘hey, your body is failing you at the moment, please stand by. *recalculating*’.

I’ve been trying to apply this mental health patience on my physical health lately, and I feel I am fast encroaching on disaster.  There is too much pulling and I am not feeling the support needed for it.  I am also fighting the familiar sense of leaning a little too hard on Caleb...*recalculating*  

Today I am not at the disaster moment, but I did take a moment to breakdown a little.  I was walking around the house after getting back from the hospital, and it hit me- an unforeseen anxiety attack. It’s been a while since this variety has made a guest appearance in my life.  It was merged with the feeling of just being devastated.  Yes.  I have love in my heart for my husband, the pups and kit-cats, for the desire to learn and grow myself...but FUCK are things messy and hard at the moment.  

I am not where I thought I would be five months ago with my therapy goals, I am in pain all the time, I have some other issues, and now there is a two-day fever and cold in play.  I am lacking a sense of organization just from exhaustion and discomfort in ‘I’m cold.  Now I’m hot’  Now I’m cold again’.  I am still not in with a neuro follow up from a month ago...because the WAIT is freakin’ forever!!!  My unforeseen anxiety came and I didn’t fight it this time.  I just let it cycle.  Cut to me crying, squatting down on the side of the house, in the cold..and then my knee buckled from my injury and I fell in the mud.  

When I thought about some of the DBT skill theory...I was able to switch to laughter, seeing the face of mud as the most appropriate means of ‘grounding’ reflective of how I emotionally felt.  I washed up in the sink...but I feel like I came around to... *recalculating* 

I am going to get back on the mini-task schedule BUT I am going to pull out all these things I have tucked away in the house.  For renovations, we have bought little things along the way...and in some cases, they have been tucked away, like we are hoarders...for fear of no space (real thing) and fear of ruining the nice new thing in a chaotic evolving space (semi-real thing).  But instead of being functional and bringing ease in life...it’s just somewhat a cluttered status.

Tonight I think the mix of a heat restoral victory, with health issues, with a reflection on behavior patterns and self-imposed restrictions in life, got to me.  I can’t change the health issues at the moment, but I can release restrictions on things that make me and our lives easier.  I am going to dig out some things and start enjoying them, as intended.  And better yet...if they are not functional for something...purge them.  I went through a big purging as I renovated phase in early winter...it was cathartic.