The pill-on effect.

In some ways, I feel like I am a ghost...floating through a shell of a life.  I feel emotionally devoid of a lot because when I get confident about something, I feel like I am getting knocked down...I feel like I am stressing people out of my life...and at the very least, not letting them help me in what they are available to help me for...which is counterproductive in I don’t know what I need, and it’s such a source of guilt to experience help and realize, ‘nope, this is not working for me’...do I let the unhelpful stuff continue or how can I refocus the kindness to vocalize.

Anyway.

Caleb and I had a series of stronger talks in the last year, and one of them revolves around connecting with the right healthcare providers...which includes physical health.  One of my largest obstacles is the avoidance and Agoraphobia side to my mental health.  I can have all the determination in the world, tell myself I am going to push through, but there are times where I will even venture out and turn around...because in that unpredictable moment I can’t.  Truthfully, I have called and not been able to go to so many appointments for this one healthcare system, I am not permitted to even make an appointment any longer. 

However, recently I have connected enough...to validate physical symptoms I have long been told were related to anxiety.  (Long story short)  In fact, I kept being told how ‘impossible’ it is to pass out during an anxiety attack from the high blood pressure keeping one conscious...cut to me in an exam room when the feeling I have been experiencing more and more...and saying ‘I don’t feel...’, I apparently passed out into this tiny physician as she yelled for help to push me off of her and back onto the exam table.  Not that I like it happened, but at least there was a professional set of eyes with me at that moment.

I am not sure how much more I am wanting to write on this yet...

...and it’s unclear as to what is going on.

In the meantime, I am on Rx for symptom-management ...and an immune suppressant ...but also a supplement...and it’s a situation that I am in, where I am letting go to follow professional advice around me while grappling with the prior opinion that when there are Rx for symptoms of Rx...something is not right and it all has to be reevaluated.  This feels like another distraction...a distraction that presents when the chips seem to be in a positive motion forward ...a #onestepforwardtwostepsback situation.

Finding gratitude - the love I have for my husband, we have a home with beautiful characters of our familiars, there is a promise of tomorrow where I can find laughter in life with Caleb, and adventures that will come to us no matter what this health setback turns out to be.  This might be an unforeseen journey I have to venture down...hopefully with lots of family fun distractions along the way!

Current earworm:

#reflection #letsgetphysical #stress #Rx #yourourneyisthedestination #gratitude #marriage #twostepsforwardandtwostepsback #autoimmune