The Turnip

A reflection on a recent gift to me came in the form of a turnip.  Yes, a turnip. 

I have a real hard time accepting gifts.  Material gifts...emotional gifts.......surprises... (0_0)  However, there has been a lot of weight going into the season on addressing this particular aspect.  Mostly framing the discomfort with accepting gifts from others as a means of not feeling entitles, or worthy, deserving...other such concepts around reinforcing to others it is okay to think of me last (or not at all).  It's this weird mind warp of wanting to feel worthy but not inattention or need-based type of way...’ let us make a memory, but don’t go out of your way and don’t waste actual money on me’...but have the freedom to be who you are with me...confused?  Try sitting with these thoughts yourself, unable to know what you want and manage the fallout from people who feel stunted in their appreciation of connection to me by gift-giving.

My one therapist recently gifted me with some veggies from her personal world.  She knows I appreciate vegetable gardening, gardening is a seasonal source of grounding, and that some of my best adult memories come from just throwing a few seeds in the ground and letting nature bring Caleb and I together.  So for Thanksgiving, and end of the harvest season...she shared a turnip with me and a few ways she cooks it.  Adorable, right?  Right!  It was just a thoughtful way to connect.  However, how did I internally experience it?  Thoughts of ‘other people would need this turnip over me’, ‘I don’t know what to do with this and I wouldn’t do her proud with putting it to use’, and ‘I feel like I have heartburn over knowing I am leaving with this, and IDK why, and THAT makes me uncomfortable...more information please!’ entered my mind.

Admittedly, I pretended the bag with the turnip in it wasn’t there the whole session, and while I expressed gratitude (because I was grateful...she thought of me outside of this one portion of time in the week), and doubled down to hold me accountable to acknowledge the turnip in the room...by saying she looks forward to knowing what new thing I introduced to Thanksgiving dinner with it. ...*sigh*

Thanksgiving came.  I was hoping to potentially switch it up this year and doing the in-laws and leaning in on flexibility.  Then repeat my favorite family day of the year by hosting it on a separate day proxy to the real day.  However, we did this weird holiday again, which I see a parallel in the gift-giving lesson of the week.  Caleb did it outside of the home, and I pretended I was okay with it, and did not really stand up to express (with real direct firmness) my interest to join him as a co-equal person to the extended network of family and love in the day.  Then there were the silent thoughts I sat within the day of knowing ‘this is not going to be the norm, we are not going to have holidays split like this again and I am ready to have a direct conversation about it, when that conversation can be welcomed, heard, and supported’.  

Still, I got up I counted bass clarinets in the Macy’s day parade.  I cleaned off the counters and pressed coffee.  I oddly made waffles out of habit and realized I was the only one here...so the pups got some ‘wiffle-waffle treats’.  In fact, they got treats all throughout the day.  They are in hardcore food-comas still as I look over to them. 

At the end of the day, I did not make this turnip.  I just sipped some jasmine tea throughout the day and ate the last strawberry toaster strudel we had (which I was intentionally saving for a treat).  I did look up recipes and I am going to give something a go this weekend.  Was the turnip a fail on my end?  Maybe in some ways, but I think the turnip forced me to revisit some exchange of intangible things- like time and care.  I’m not only not doing enough of it for me, but I am also limiting the ways I want to do it...for no real traceable reason.  (with a level of avoidance to look at it head-on and process allowed, mostly due to fear Caleb will see it as me being intentionally difficult, when it’s not even what I want...we are actually on the same page here in adapting flexibility on how we spend this day). I wonder if this was the first time a turnip was used to teach and reinforce a lesson?  

...I tell you what though...this may have also inspired growing them in our garden this upcoming season.

2019 Thanksgiving

2018 Thanksgiving

#levelup #dothework #mentalhealth #cptsd #Itsokaytomakemistakes #Itsokaytofalldown #GetupLooksickening #happyhusbandhappyhome #lovewins #gaymarriage #buidlalifenotaresume #yourjourneyisthedestination #loveyourselftherestwillfollow #thanksgiving