In the end, I went...

A few months ago, part of our family therapy plan goal was to attempt group-family experiences...as a team-model to defend our family unit while also finding comradery with others experiencing some of the challenges we have felt.

In that plan, I signed us up for this speaking engagement with a mental health agency here in our little state.  It was a bit anxiety-producing to see our formal names in the announcement...and that I was identifying as someone with C-PTSD to a community group of people...and I tried to keep expectations low...and my mind frame clear leading up to it.

To be honest, I almost didn’t go.  But I did not want to leave Caleb in yet another situation where I don’t have the ability to show up when it’s important.  I was also worried about what the feeling would be like for him to speak about the intersections of conflict of him being a therapist, being helpless in moments to know how to help in mental health struggles, and what those struggles have done to the detriment (/and betterment(?)) of our marriage, both a micro and macro approach of his personal experience.

In the end, I went...and I expressed my story of when I knew I needed therapy in the past, what I know worked, how what worked in the past conflicts with Caleb’s interests so I stopped doing them, what that fall out looked like when trying to recoup new skills, and highlights of a new highlight reel of big emotionally damaging events that occurred while being together, and finally what it’s like to feel the inequity from the imbalance fallout when you don’t rebound the way you want.  I also was asked a few awkward questions about being married to a therapist ...regarding thoughts on how one might find that to be ideal, and how it’s not from him not being able to turn off work-mode and can lack presence to the partnership from not knowing how to effectively help, despite desperately wanting to.

There were some other uncomfortable but insightful stories shared.  Overall, it felt mostly confirming to be there.

#reflection #cptsd #mentalhealthinmarriage #yourjourneyisthedestination #familytherapy