’When Sorry Isn't Enough’

I know what someone might be thinking, ‘ANOTHER Gary Chapman book is out there?!’...and yeah, I’m with you.  However, I was intrigued to the book centering around the topics of apologizing, reflection, sorrow, and responsibility within a partnership.

But...do you struggle with the components of guilt and shame in relation to your mental health conditions, despite all the marketing campaigns to tell you otherwise?  Same.  Where these two components really feel exploited, for me, is in the world of communicating sorrow.  I feel sorry for not being in control of symptoms of isolation missing out on present moments, the physiological uncomfortable things portrayed...but also sorry for the people who do not understand the struggles and sorry for the loved ones who just want everything to be okay for you and you want it to be for them but there is a disconnect.

Now, I get some of the arguments of ‘not apologizing for a condition you do not have control over...and I hear that.  However, in my opinion, there are real-world effects of a strain of any health condition.  Right...so there are stretches of time I realistically am not able to leave the house.  This has an impact on not breaking up beneficially shared domestic chores.  I am not dropping off dry cleaning, or getting groceries, getting the familiars to the vet, picking up odds and ends, etc etc etc...this is a form of maybe not failure but of reoccurring disappointment.  It is actually a burden...and who is not regrettable for becoming a burden. 

I cried several times reading through this small little book.  It was too relatable in senses of understanding how my apologies could be seen as lip service, or maybe I shouldn’t always be so quick to apologize, and validations of when you do apologize and feel like there is a lingering feeling of not being truly forgiven.  Tears...so many breaks from reading...and tears.  I think it also uncovered an element of why I was apologizing, that I agree with the above-mentioned idea...I am apologizing for essentially not being perfect and not knowing what to do with the conflict in imperfection.

I use to find apologies to be a powerful thing.  (I actually still do find them powerful.) If I recognized something amiss or not heartfelt or just unintentionally hurtful, I’d take ownership of that and want to identify a means to not come back to it.  Where Caleb and I struggle is with this process it the apologizing, being heard on both sides...and then unpacking the issue to resolution.  We often skip the resolution phase in exchange for quicker peace...despite knowing the issue(s) just get kicked down the road for another day.  There are also times when it’s expressed that my side has been heard before and doesn’t need to be again at this time...which actually internally reinforces fears my apologies are not being taken for how they are meant and that I am not actually getting full forgiveness, perhaps de-escalation...but there’s a hidden grudge and a kept tally of unintentional hurts. (...and to make it more confusing, there are the times of exhaustion of being though to have intentionally caused hurt or something that was truly not done, which feels like such an atrocity but you don’t want to invalidate your spouse that you just apologize, in effort to hope they feel supported enough to break the stalemate in communication so you can move forward...yeah...this is not good either)  This all perpetuates a bad cycle, of which nobody is feeling healthier than they were.   Reading ‘When Sorry Isn’t Enough’, reinforced the inner thoughts of not receiving forgiveness...because the clues I was feeling showed that, we have just been going through the motions, but the resentments have been building.  Also through reading this, I learned about a side to me where I more often than not will accept the blame and apologize in an effort to move alone.  It is a rarity I am offered an apology, and when I am...I tend to shut it down.  I feel like I have already forgiven without the apology and looked forward because I feel so indebted to Caleb, he can do no real wrong.  What I am actually doing there is stifling a resolution from my husband, giving cause to more unprocessed emotions for both of us.  While he might seek forgiveness in areas I find trivial, they are perhaps more profound...and I am rejecting an opportunity to support him and truly understand why it’s a moment worth processing together more.

Another poignant factor in here is the effects of ‘timing’.  As someone with generalized anxiety, you might imagine how timing is a landmine in general.  Patience for forgiveness is something I struggle with, when on the receiving end...maybe this is why I am so quick to issue it as the giver(?) I fear what will not happen in ‘time outs’...when the ‘I’m not speaking to you’ enters into days for no real understood reason other than the processing time.  I am constantly in fear of the longer the time the more profound the damage restitution aftermath will be.  I am quick to apologize and when it is not accepted on the spot, I tend to spin internally...and don’t know what to do with that.  Saying 'I love you' in moments of conflict happen often, hoping it's code for 'all will be fine soon' as a means to reassure myself through the needed patience...but Caleb experience that phrase as *needy*, *exhausting*, a rush...as well as associating the sentiment to negative times together. Sometimes it looks like me rushing the process along...sometimes it’s just a wait for Caleb to come to me and trying to be as small and invisible as possible until then...both feel shitty because you want the liberty and freedom of true expressed emotion and to be on par as an equal in that forgiveness exchange, but overall there is a confusion as to ‘how do we change this’. ...how to meet each other's expectations and needs in conflict, while reassuring each other that every unintentional hurt or moment of stress is not a doomsday marker???  (This fear also, arguably intersects in areas of trust.) 

But for now...work on one thing at a time.  In this area of forgiveness...I am working on patience and the trust in timing to come back together for the larger conversations about navigating true forgiveness.  In the history of past hurts...disappointments have really stacked up for myself and for what I offer Caleb.  ...well...I clearly have a lot of complex and deep feelings around the intersections of communication hurt and mental health in my marriage.  

…....it may have actually highlighted something I should do to periphery people in our circles that I have long put off...it’s worth some further reflection and processing.

…........I will most likely come back to this as a regular theme in individual work, and with our family therapist.  The pain in unanswered sorrow is profound in ways and means that a single reflection, a single book, a single blog post...just will not fully capture.  I look forward to lessened moments of pain and tension after some application of knowing how to communicate this area of partnership more effectively.

Read the book...it’s good as its own advice in partnership communication, but if you need a little extra help because you are lost in the fear of anxiety, depression, panic, and more...this book offers a steady guide point to be efficient to express tender moments of truth in patterned times of conflict. My current earworm:

#53books52weeks #anxiety #forgiveness #apologies #communication #dothework #mentalhealthandmarriage #reflection #yourjourneyisthedestination