First of all...someone remind me to reread this book in December.
Second of all...here are five/six take-aways from the topics in the book and how I dissected them to my life:
This has been the first book that refers specifically to Buddhism, not just talking vaguely of mindfulness for application. David Richo, PhD, explores a wider and simplified context to the foundations of Buddhism while intersecting with minimal Judeo-Christian ideals. (Something I am finding a little off-putting and exclusionary- limitations or restrictions in connection of mental health to understanding by the use of religion...I’m looking at you, Christianity! 👀)
There are two thorough sections about transference and fears, what fears do, and why they are important.... they are important topics, but for the sack of this post, let’s put them aside. An unexpected topical take away for me is the concept of grief. I had to sit with this section of the book a bit. While I have brought up my experience with death and grief before in therapy, with Caleb, and sometimes random points of conversation. Reading this book, it really stood out to me...I do not have a point of reference with grief.Â
I did not know anyone to die until I was 19 and even with his death, the process had distractions stemming from his family and how they had conflict with his sexuality and his friends...7 years later a distant relative passed and I grappled whether or not to go but ultimately did for the support of others...and four years later an in-law passed, but my mental health blocked me from attending hers altogether.
This has been a blessing in ways, or a curse..depending on how you look at it. I don’t know how to process the idea of people disappearing, and in some ways, I find that these people forever exist in a different plane and are actually still here...especially the more I seclude myself. Right? This symptom of avoidance/isolation avertedly creates a bubble of protection in ways. Looking on from the bubble...in theory, everyone still exists in the locations and spaces you go to visit them in. There is no finality. How somewhat nice, to have everyone exist in memory form...but how terrible it is when I realize I am replaying these memories from the alone-based residence of my home. Sex- which is a larger conversation for another post. I first had this addressed head-on from, who is now, my individual therapist. Reading these sections on sexual relations, it helped to circle back to this past July with Caleb...and about some of the experiences I have in our sex life needing to be brought out to the limelight and processed together. I will have a separate topic post on this subject.
‘Can we really be here now’- was a positive section, offering affirmation that the work is worth it...you can get to the point in ease in coupleship conflict, devoid of anxieties hindering the connection. This section detailed learning how to pause, create opportunities from pausing and when to check-in. As someone learning to calm my anxieties that every piece of conflict is not the end of the world, focusing on the ‘pause’ part of the process was welcomed from a new angle.
I did love an Introvert vs. extrovert dimension exercise. It was eye-opening in how mental health anxieties can alter your behaviors and outside perceptions of who you are. As an example, Caleb laughs at the idea of me being an extrovert. I think that is how far away from who I am I have become to him. This extrovert side is largely what I think Caleb fell in love with me in me. I have struggled on this topic over the years...and have a hard time ‘self-grieving’, because I don’t think it’s a dead part of me.
Adult love and when you see a person is where I am going to wrap with the take-aways I can think of from memory. In adult love, knowing the hurdles and extra obstacles past them is not just the reality to long-lasting connection...it’s getting beyond them and knowing a connection is worth it. (I would point to references of compassion fatigue reflected in here.)
Again...I plan to revisit this book at the end of my reading journey Current and Upcoming Reads: ‘Guide to Magickal Herbs’ - Judy Ann Nock ‘The Noonday Demon’- Andrew Solomon
What are your take-aways from this book...did some of the topics I pulled from the book make you think of another book or proxy topics...tell me your experience to this topic!?