Scary. Also- silly. Also also- exhausting.

So I need a place to put these feelings.  I need to write.  I need a record on what my emotional viewpoint at this moment is.

Outside of a long conversation about CBD oils, family therapy has still been tough and yet a supportive process towards mending bad patterns and cycles in our marriage, largely stemming from those pesky symptoms of mental health issues (anxiety and panic).  However, I will say...this stuff is exhaustive work.  Instead of looking outward for reassurances to what I treasure most to being available and constant, I am repeatedly (almost annoyingly so) being directed to look inward for in the trust of myself being worthy and loveable enough ...that I don’t have to project my own insecurities and apply them to Caleb using ‘conditions’ for what makes or breaks his love and commitment to me. 

Getting married, felt perfect while also feeling higher-stakes in the idea of there is more to lose...more to seem like a failure to push someone away as I was internally pushing myself away back and forth.  The connection of love and cherished outwards is always a constant...but I fear this element of an idea to ‘what happens if you find your partner while you are broken?’  I feel like we keep coming to this question’s answer in family therapy and unpacking it...but instead, we are treating it as: 1. you are enough 2. let him just be here in the way that he can as you rebuild yourself for the two of you 3. the angles of how he loves you through the process doesn’t equate to not loving you at all 4. The love is real and returned, stop second-guessing it from insecurities and derailing yourself 5. Seeing how this creates emotional stress and confusion for Caleb 6. The imbalance of loving someone more than allowing them to return back as freely

We are also talking about how communication through emotional conflict has normally gone in the past.  Email comes to mind.  Sometimes I get to a late-night breaking point and I put down all these unfiltered thoughts in a long winding email, thinking it is a way to show vulnerability and identifying how I am struggling, and I think ‘I better get this out before I second guess communicating it’...but 9 out of 10 times the message is received like I am identifying my struggles as a result of Caleb...which is NOT true.  I am terrible at identifying the cause situations or moments as the conflict. 

My individual work has also reinforced to support that ‘it just takes one person to change for both to change in how they interact and communicate’.  Again- lots of looking inward, trusting I will look out to still have what I am afraid of losing...like if I look at myself, what I am looking at will run away and not be there when I look back out. Scary.  Also- silly.  Also also- exhausting.

In the world of interpersonal communication, I know that email is a faulty method for communication, even when not identifying conflict.  I know this.  I KNOW THIS. I mean...this is where one should apply the ‘you know better so do better’ model...and I get a little stuck in the familiar patterns.  

So we have been addressing the axioms of communication, how the ‘time out’ periods are communication, and silence is communication and smoke signals, and eye rolls, and how breaths are heard, etc.  We map out in our one-on-one time how to creatively #holdthespace to #createmoreroom of positive, supportive, communication opportunities based in love and trust and not rambled out in fear and panic.  I was asked to unplug from my email altogether (for my marriage). (He seems to get the angle to inspire me is, for now, to motivate and encourage something for the sake of marriage and from the meaning of marriage we are going to identify myself and grow back out from.) I can give up email for now if that makes for stronger communication patterns in a sustainable coupleship. From this, it was challenged to perhaps turn to communication goal setting which is footed more in creativity through the arts, writings, messages of love, music, our craft...

Today I am realizing how my daily journal logger is becoming a bitch-fest.  Maybe this is a bitch-fest...but I need room to support a positive restructuring and a mode to be accountable to that, which is what I need for what works for me, does not put the demands on solely Caleb, and yet- most likely does not exist in a mainstream model.  Perhaps online-journaling is where I am going again.

#reflection #changetheconversation #changetheculture #mentalhealthinmarriage #communication #holdthespace #loveyourselftherestwillfollow #yourjourneyisthedestination #axioms #familytherapy #love #youareenough #youmatter #anxiety #cptsd #changetheconveration #changetheculture