I’m just going to say it...these big resolutions are shit. I also get uncomfortable when people seem put off by my expression of never giving annual resolutions much thought. There is a ton of pressure on making BIG structural change, largely without the right plan in place to make it stick. What I do like at this time of year is the societal culture on sharing reflections and highlighting years’ past memories. More often than not, they are reflections of small personal life victories. Paid off work. Surprises. Points of Laughter. Micromoments.
While I might argue that there is a ‘fear of failure’ aspect to making those big resolution goals stick...I might push back, for myself, in knowing a realistic aspect of respecting my own limits. Turns out I might have some self-respect to my limits and comfort zones! Â
Today we went on a little hike. I keep making the joke of it being more a ‘hobble’ than a hike. (It's a joke that won't probably make it into my hypothetical comedy tour). And by ‘hike’ I mean I walked for ten minutes and sat to let the pups run around and sniff things in the snow. I’m supposed to be somewhat mobile to correct some knee damage, however, I am having a hard time of knowing where the limit to ‘somewhat’ is. I’m still over-doing it to a point that makes baring weight beyond a few steps nauseating from pain. The PT recently measured to show the disparity of muscle tone between both knees...it was hard to argue with, and a pending frustration with.
So what does the hike have to do with my strong feelings of resolutions?  Taking in the moment of feeling life be quiet and still, despite the active pups in front of me, I felt what I was longing to find patience in...not being stuck in two places at once. I have a string of years of not always being present-focused because I was straddling being stuck in both the past and future simultaneously. There was a surreal very present moment today. The wind just ever so lightly blew, the dogs almost seemed to run around in slow motion as I felt I could ‘think past’ where I am, and feel what could be felt for the future. It was one of those moments that seemed to fully engulf you while enlarging your perspective at the same time...a ‘spidey sense’ of sorts.  I had one of these in the summer as well. (In reflection, having two of these moments within the year must mean something. Certainly, for me. Certainly, for us.)Â
It was related to this fear of not getting to goals as fast as I can without being seen as rushing, not doing the work, not seeing the promises and change as more than temporary, no portrayed lip service, doing something for effect not for cause, NOT actually needing 365 difference chances. This feeling was so large that I felt like I needed to cry both from relief, for hope, for confirmation of self...but even that ball inside my throat didn’t take shape. It was almost a psychological cry, purging of letting go of how I embrace life, see myself, communicate daily love language(s) with my husband, and interact with the community and friends, and more. It was such a clear flash forward with almost a bittersweet look at where I am now...but a reassurance that we are going to get there. The work is being done. I need to keep my head down and keep busy, but there is a tendency to want to look up to reinforce, visually, the support that promised to be there.
Today was a day where I know it’s on me...but it’s also a day where I have to let go and trust in the love that I sometimes ‘need to look up to know is there’. See the appreciation not the gamble to life. Trust, faith, love; family...magick. I feel a layered blessing of gratitude...and I don't have anyone to shift that to...(maybe I actually could cry as I write this)...the gratitude is more awareness for who I am individually in our collective unit...not for what others mold me to be in their expectations. I just am me.
Words are hard to even string together to narrate what today was.
Today was an unforeseeable SUPER positive and warm mental health day. #yourjourneyisthedestination #warmwinters #reflection #gratitude #love #family #trust #fullheart #happyhusbandhappyhome #buildalifenotaresume #dothework #doitwell #loveyourselftherestwillfollow #hikeformentalhealth #hikinghusbands