Letting go of crazy

Do you have certain words that just can put you in a deflated mindset...or just cripple you with insecurities?  I do.  ...two big ones...’hate’ and ‘crazy’.

When I think about my stifled moments of communication in times of conflict, stress, or being on the receiving end of anger...I have a baseline view that ‘words matter’, and I hesitate to say anything I don’t mean with certainty.  In fact, the more I think something might be taken out of context or twisted...I create more hurdles in communication by not saying anything.  I think I have been trained to assume, the close people around me will assume the best know/trust where I am coming from without the enlightenment of communication.  This is a farce of an idea.  I’m sadly let down to know most of these communication-lacking moments actually don’t have the clarity of trust but rather a void of understanding.  When that pursuit of understanding falls to outside sources with even more of a lack of awareness...it:

1- seems to deteriorate the topic in an expeditious manner

 and 

2- puts up taller hurdles to get in front of to communicate it head-on

To circle back to my leading words...they serve as big wrenches to interpersonal communications.  Nothing really adds a level of shut-down with shame than using these two words, directed in a heated manner towards me.  (Even the word ‘hate’ when used against other people is something that pulls away from my empathy for whatever situation the person I am engaging with is highlighting).

But the word ‘crazy’...it’s a complicated and conflicting choice of word for me in the past.  I don’t mind (as much) it when used as an adjective to imply the context of ‘this feels unreal’.  A little hypocritical to allow for the word, under certain conditions...idk...again...COMPLICATED feelings with the word’s use.

Let me unpack this a little more...

There was a time in my life, my early twenties, where I fully accepted I was an anxious person and had some high strung reactions to perfection, that I knew how to manage.  I was fully comfortable in just being who I was under that umbrella...not feeling shame...and had the empowerment of being equal.

This is also during a period of my life that I was attracted to a lot of people who just needed compassion and someone to listen in their lives, someone to help lift them up in life...and to not glaze over it...some of these people were short-sighted, short-tempered, and indirectly would translate frustration to unjust areas of their life.  These signs would get me to reaffirm I would be a constant person in their life to help as I could...and over time, those friendships matured over the years with an established history, and the people grew...I grew...grow grow grow. Our connections were always seeing new depths.

One of these connections shifted rather abruptly, though.  I am still not fully sure I know what was the one thing that shifted it, but it occurred in the ugliest of manners.  While I will spare the numerous ways of how people use the insecurities of others as a means to exploit them in conflict, I would say this is the period of time that defined my discomfort of using the word ‘crazy’ in relation to people in their expressed characteristics.  

To be super brief: I had someone who remained in my social circles and actively spoke against me, frequently using the term ‘crazy’.  He would tell bartenders not to serve me and would point from his circle or table of friends in a café and audibly make a point to laugh.  He would have the announcer at the grocery market ask me to move the car from where I parked and put my groceries in the employee section of the store.  He would call my friends and message them on Facebook telling them how ‘crazy’ I was and how they were bad people for being friends with me.  

And while he did these things, and more...I eventually allowed him to bombard my world to a point where I felt I had to lay low and change my social circles..so much so it prompted plans for me to leave to a completely different city.  In hindsight, this was also I think the first time in my adult years where I should have realized I needed care from my friends, but I let them go about their business, and I did not make room for our friendships to alter in a way that had me feel comfortable enough to lean in on them. I think I was hiding my wounds, as to try and prove what this person was doing did not affect me.  ...what a bad decision.  I also tried to frame the situation as he was in pain and hurting, and allow for understanding the situation as ‘hurt people hurt people.’  I did not return fire, and I still kept him up on a pedestal.  ...for whatever reason.

In a weird evening, prior to me moving, we crossed paths and he wanted to talk...and in him, at the moment I saw the person I originally connected with...and I agreed to talk.  In the conversation that followed (on some unattended café chairs on a sideway) we talked in circles and he wanted to know how I was and what I was doing, and I was shocked at how reserved I was to details to his answers, it was just a gut reaction.  

The conversation carried on for a significant period of time. However, in it...I eventually was set up to ask why he was so mean to me just so suddenly, aggressively, and thoroughly.  I couldn’t even identify the specifics of what hurts, I just made it a broad frame of inquiry.  He then answered by saying he was in love with me, and he needed not to be.  The only way out of that was to dehumanize me.  Seriously, he said he needed to dehumanize me...it’s what was logical and made sense to him, opposed to other means to address the conflict of emotional issues.  He looked me right in the eye when he said it...a statement that penetrated me and sent a chill down my spine.  One would think I verbalized how unacceptable it was, identified how much it hurt me. I didn't...I just accepted it as normal...we just pretended like I was okay and what he did was okay...I told him I can understand and forgive him for it. I could feel how uncomfortable and awkward he still felt, so I wanted to change the topic to other subjects, allowing for us to reconnect on something positive and end somewhere pleasant for him...for us. But I walked away from that night sick and not at peace.  It still stands alone as the only time I told someone I forgave them for something I had not fully forgiven them for...and a ‘bigger’ part of me wants to think I have, a ‘stronger’ part of me will admit that it’s possible I still haven’t, and it transformed into taking out my hurt from that time period from a person’s actions to associate it to a word.

...locking all the pain inside that particular word...and then never wanting to hear it again...or feel it again.

So what...why the story?

Mostly because it still carries with me.  The unpredictability to knowing if it will be a word used in a hurtful manner to me...because whether they know it or not, my mind links it to mean a label identifying ‘less than human’. There has been a paranoia in some of my mental health struggles that Caleb uses it as an adjective...to the point where he will assume me he respects my boundaries and doesn’t use it in conversation about me, nor would he ever...yet I still feel like I am experiencing that ‘behind your back/people are putting you down’ feeling.  I don’t know how to shake it...and feeling like having the full conversation with Caleb has felt disrespectful...yet I also identify situations were I feel disempowered as an equal...it’s like I am protecting myself and him from the idea he could do something as hurtful to me...which is confusing because WHY WOULD YOUR HUSBAND INTENTIONALLY HURT YOU!?!?! 

It partially comes down to trust.  I do not fully trust that I won’t be hurt in a profound way and I counterbalance it with the security of someone’s words.  

In July, I was finally in a place to address this topic head-on...and I was rather proud I could finally approach a topic of discomfort and try to facilitate a thorough conversation around it.  In that first talk, I did start out shaky, and I did not immediately dig into the full history for context, but what I DID do was confirm I was letting go of my insecurities and fears he used the word behind my back...and apologized (with a deeply sincere intent) for the duration of time I essentially battled in the feeling of him using it while knowing how hurtful it made me feel against the trust in his in-person word to me that he would never do something if it made me uncomfortable in a damaging way.  I also apologized for the feeling that he would not correct groups of friends for using the words in a derogatory manner against me. AND... ...I also apologized for feeling at times walking into a gathering of his friends felt like walking into a public location where a group of people were just talking shit about me. He did not immediately forgive me in that conversation, and rightfully so...it’s a lot of years of not trusting him at his word for nothing but an internal unjustified feeling.  That does a lot of unspoken damage...and distrust on the other side of the partnership.

I also think there is a lot of irony (of sorts) in prematurely forgiving someone for using a weaponized word than to withhold full trust due to feeling slighted by a different person not actually using that same word.  (I’m probably using ‘irony’ wrong here.)Anyway, we have addressed one of the bigger topics and conversation hurdles of contention...and it’s out in the open, and for us to work through and heal in family therapy together.  

What is important is that I strongly came out in July and said I was putting the ‘uncomfortable thought of him using the word against me’ to bed.  I fully believe him and trust him in knowing it should have never been an internal hang-up of mine that hindered my empowerment in conversation. It’s good to still be in a place of knowing that ‘yes’ I got to such a place in an authentic way.

This is a long go-around for explaining how I am working to rebuild the power imbalance from my past pains and insecurities around this word, the fears, and anxieties of distrusting myself to trust someone in a particular vulnerability of mine, and reaffirming with Caleb- ‘I projected on to you, and you did nothing to deserve that’. 

Mental health in how it sneaks into present relationships, often the ones you cherish most, is such a catalyst to slippery footings in a path forward together.  What I lean into most is the idea of ‘at least we are finally here together’.

I'm ready to level up.

I'm ready to dance.

I'm ready to equally lead.

#dothework #doitwell #levelup #crazy #dehumanize #reflection #trust #communication #familytherapy #mentalhealthinmariage #yourjourneyisthedestination