Coming into the first Season of Lights with Caleb, I was very interested in blending and showing interest in his traditions in growing some of our own. With Caleb being a proud Italian-American, my only point of reference to Italians at Christmas was from my adolescent. All of my..idk...four(?) Italian friends had a several fish course meal on Christmas Eve. So naturally, I used it as a point of reference when abridging the topic of his family tradition. In hindsight, I now know I got a glazed over response of ‘yeah, we did something like that’...which I took as literal ‘yes, we did that’.
From there, I searched the interwebs for a fun and new simple recipe for, which ended up landing on tuna steaks. Each year since, it has been a reliable tradition, that I LOVE outright and look forward to for what it is. Originally, we paired it with a candlelight service, and in recent years the night included the wrapping of gifts...last year felt the most natural. We had the same dinner, but with a tomato and mussel recipe appetizer. Caleb sat at the counter, played holiday music, and it was a night with lots of laughter and those deeper conversations we get lost in sometimes, which reinforces one of the larger areas of bonding in our relationship. It was an extra ‘full-heart’ night for me.
It’s also nights like this, where all the bullshit of anxiety is removed from myself...and I feel like I am the person I know I am...available, present, and not suffocated by mental health symptoms that hide me away from the person I love most. Christmas Eve is one of those nights where I can effortlessly just be ‘here’...’now’...’fully’. Maybe it’s the tuna steaks?! (it’s not the tuna steaks.)  The recognition of this puts in motion a ponderous mode of wondering what makes this type of evening capable of hosting the ‘me’ that doesn’t feel like an internal prison. The clarity around seeing reliability and consistency on nights like this...well...makes me just wonder, not ‘why’, but ‘how’ to maintain the reliability for our family life on a daily basis. There is comfort in knowing those moments are still there, all these years later, even if there is a mental health mask at times. Hmmm...another metaphor...too many metaphors...let’s remove the mask and just lean into the bond. (#takeitoff, #takeitoff)
This year looks a little different. Again, we are spending the evening not physically together (*sad face*)...though there is a slight chance he may be able to drop in. Sooo, I planned for this ‘full-heart’ night, just in the chance he is available...I don’t want to be unprepared!
'Yes’, lol...that is steam captured in the photo. It’s chilly inside here tonight!
Oh, and there is this skit that I know we would have shared a laugh from: