Holding the Space

Finding a good family-based therapist is hard.  In the past, I tried to fold Caleb into drop-in for easier conversations with my individual, to which he was not comfortable in doing.  We saw someone who I thought was out there for me but maaaybe should have a second appt anyway ...Caleb didn’t connect enough to want any second session.  We then saw a guy who I thought was ‘fair’ until it felt like he was tag-teaming me (even during our one-on-one sessions).  Trying to internally self-negotiate that your mental health care provider is coming from a good place while also processing the discomfort ...well..it certainly proved to be a hurdle in itself.  This past August we signed up to work with one of the best in the New England area...and she is so successful in her work and popular to boot...but her sessions were booked five weeks apart...NOT ideal.  

I was then put in charge of finding someone who could help facilitate healing...

I met with a woman who wanted to incorporate her own form of prayer...and then there was a woman who said she just faces us in two chairs and has us talk to each other directly and she would sit at the desk and ‘referee as needed’ (and while I think there is POWER to looking someone in the eyes for the duration of the conversation...this was too intense for where we were)...and then there was a guy who wants to phone interview us first to see if he was a good fit, which was off-putting in that a questionnaire screening on the phone felt dismissive...there was then a woman who I met with and was rather impressed until she crossed a line with me, calling Caleb and abuser and that I needed to wake up or I would always be a victim.  (I’m sorry...exploiting discord and applying labels so explicitly was NOT okay with me.  Regardless of what is happening between Caleb and me, it will NEVER be okay to disparage him.  Not to mention, it felt like she picked sides immediately.  We needed a unifying, not an aggravator!  She might not know me, but I have a short rope of tolerance for someone attacking my partner.  It was one of the few moments I was present, worded-clearly, and appropriately toned for the opinion of her ‘emotional care’ she was offering to us.  Ughhhhh...I’m still irritated as I think of this...more for another time perhaps).

The ‘shop-around’ work is too real...

Then there is the current therapist...a man...I don’t like male providers for some reason.  I have a prejudice by assuming their actual listening to understanding skills as lacking.  #recognizingfalseassumptions

This guy somehow works.  He’s a little ‘surfer-man’...and pushes the idea of alternative therapies ...and recreational drug usage (low-key style with CBD oils …and maybe one time regarding LSD and controlled shrooms) …and he has a big reference point within the community for the prior ideas.  What ‘sells me’ on him is his comprehensive approach...and...he gets it.  He knows how to meet me/us where I am.

We talk a lot about identifying the bad cycles that Caleb and I have talked about in the past, but he is good at pulling back extra layers we don’t really have a history of talking about.  This added context helps for more understanding, and awareness of perception-based experiences outside of our own.  Largely I think when we applied this perception-based viewing of situations, we assume the perception of the other instead of knowing...because #communicationisimportant.  

Individually, this guy is really great at focusing me on how to own and how to sit with receiving anger from a loved one.  (I sometimes inappropriately laugh, which can escalate the frustration being directed at me, or I reserve myself without knowing how to respond at the moment because my heart and mind are racing due to a lack of history of how to process anger without fearing accidental provocation of physical danger. Both are terrible.  Does anyone else react to someone screaming at you with awkward laughter?)

He is also excellent in teaching, guiding, and supporting the idea of ‘holding the space’ for two.  Previous times of conflict there is this dance of Caleb pulls back or I come off as pulling back emotionally, and then there is the other one leaning in, and so forth.  Sometimes irritation aids to this pattern going back and forth, which is really mixed messages of communication and signals than anything else of malintent. 

Learning to stop this pattern of putting myself on hold, emotionally trying to mend Caleb’s complaints, and suppress/feel guilty for internally having any of my own...is hard.  It.is.hard. to sit patiently and lean into trust in a different type of way, by waiting for someone to show up in the way he promised without doing the anxiety-related self-imposed hurdles that I am familiar with- like, questioning and looking for hidden signs, waiting for the signs to show to allow myself to feel comfortable...for a brief moment, second-guessing and emotionally micromanaging of how can I mold myself to the least havoc-provoking associate to my inner anxiety.  Perhaps these are hurdles unique to me...maybe they, in fact, do not make sense to outside-of-me people.  Our family therapist is good at allowing me to know these for what they are and guide the trust in MYSELF to let them fall to the sides and grow the trust in my husband...to allow his promises to ring more prominent without being stifled with the search and second-guessed hidden meanings by me.  By holding the space instead of taking it up, I am learning how there is much more room for creating new spaces for love without the fear.

The idea of trusting myself in order to trust other people, even the ones that I know I trust, respect, and love...is an interwoven by confusion.  Unraveling the knots to rework the warmth and security of a strong unity makes for beauty in the tapestry.

This guy is good.

#reflection #familytherapy #dothework #levelup #love #healing #mentalhealthinmarriage #anxiety #cptsd #loveyourselftherestwllfollow #yourjourneyisthedestination